Burky's Blog

My Spiritual Journey

I have always want to be a Christian. As far back as I remember, I always want to be a Christian. Perhaps it has to do with my love for books, especially reading those Bible stories books. I remember when I was 12, I thought about I want to be a Christian, but I didn't make the decision until I was 14 years old, on Friday of Thanksgiving weekend that year (November 29, 1991).

I was baptized into church membership on October 31, 1993, the same day those twins my sisters babysit were born. I was pleased and happy.

Time following that, I find myself fail again and again. I would confess to God again and again, and it is getting to the point that I felt it is pointless to be a Christian. At times, I even regretted that I even became Christian so young. Looking back, I knew I was sincere.

The Ministry tried to help me, but I didn't feel they do understand me. I didn't feel my parents understand me. Even at times of admonishment, I felt so unloved by everybody. I didn't like how the ministry forced me to return back to Abe Shirk, so I ran away from home.

Later, I got a job at Christian Light Publication, and I loved that job. However, I dream of being a teacher and to be a writer. That was my lifelong dream, so I didn't plan to stay at Christian Light Publication for life.

I never forgot that one time when I ask the ministry if there is any hope for me to be a teacher. Glenn Martin say it is more important for me to mature first, or something like that, I don't remember exactly. I remember instinctively feeling that he thinks it is impossible, or that there isn't much for me to live for in Meadow View.

I knew, or maybe detected, that I won't be very well included in church life at Meadow View, and I didn't like the thought. I felt that the ministry was not trying to make my life pleasant.

What's more, whenever I hear my deaf friends have their fun, I want to be part of it too. But my family restrict me from enjoying it, by judging those friends as an insincere Christian or even not be a Christian.

When Frank Thiessen faxed me and invited me to be a teacher in Belize, I jump to it. While in Belize, I had my set of problems; my cooperation with the authorities was the number one problem. Yet, I enjoy the social life with the deaf people.

Never once did I feel left out when I was them. Never once. I found out why I didn't feel included at home or at church is because I am born listener. I enjoy listening in the conversation of others and give my input betimes. That is something I never really experience at mealtimes at home and after service at church.

The only times I would feel left out is when the staff have their fun times. I would try to participate, but they don't habitually speak in sign language, therefore I feel left out. As the result, I prefer to keep myself among the students. I was the first deaf staff and the only one at that time.

Later, in April, Joel Reed came and was my co-teacher. I was very glad to have other deaf staff member. He was the reason I decided to go back to CDI for second year, so imagine my disappointment to find that he didn't want to come back again. Then imagine how rejected I felt when he decided to be a teacher in my stead when I left the second year, although it wasn't too bad because he did first ask me for my opinion.

While in Belize, I learned many things. Theophostic counseling and personality insights. I also saw myself in a new way. I saw that I am much like my father, I would discipline my students when I wasn't in best mood, but when I was in good mood, I didn't discipline. I wasn't consistent in discipline with my students. I didn't like that about myself, also I hate the fact that I demanded everyone else to please me.

I, at times, would feel need to talk with someone, someone who would help me feel better again. The director at CDI was supposed to be the one we are to share with, but I always felt bit afraid of him. He always seem busy, thus make me feel he is unapproachable. The only times I can talk with him is when he comes to me, because he noticed that I am troubled. What I wish is I could talk about my problems as soon as they surface rather than wait for someone to come to me.

Because of my unstable Christian life in Belize and long before then, being in and out of church few times, I felt discouraged with my Christian life. For that reason, I went to PA, and decided to live with Jay's and not be bothered trying to be a Christian. I am going to be ME! A honest-to-goodness ME! No more hypocritical gimmicks. No more trying to be something I am not.

My family cried over me and plead with me, so did all my close friends from Washington-Franklin churches as well as some from other churches, but I remain adamant. I am not going to be a Christian again until I know I wouldn't be so unstable! I would not be a Christian until I know that I can stay Christian.

I unleashed my beast, knowing that most people loved my party spirit. With the kind of deaf friends I had in PA, I have enough to keep me constantly on go. There are times when I felt it is too much, so I insisted for a break.

My favorite student from Belize came to live with me for almost a year. I got him here, because he want to get more schooling, and also I enjoy spoiling him. (The final result is that he returned back to Belize because there is too much paperwork for him to get into USA) People in Belize have come to accept that fact that we were best friends. There are times, though, that Ben wished we would treat all equally. I am not the kind of person to treat everyone equally, although I did try that on most parts. It is just that I am so lovesick that I need someone to love me wholeheartedly, and have me feeling loved.

However, while he lived with me, we did get into all kinds of things to have fun. We went to places that is unthinkable for Christians. Then finally he left and went back to Belize for Joel's wedding, and I start thinking that I want to be serious about my Christian life. Even I was serious about my Christian life, I am not about to force myself to be one.

Since I want to become more serious, I wanted to go to mission conference hosted by Charity Ministries. I found out that two of my friends aren't interested in going the whole weekend. It was like a slap in my face; it is more like I felt it is not my time to be a Christian yet. That was November 2006.

I did feel that 2006 was a year of big changes. It was over the New Year's Eve I was in Belize. Then over New Year's Eve of 2007, I was hosting a party. I do everything I pleased during the year of 2007. Even if I am "serious" about my Christian life, more willing to call myself a Christian, I didn't do much to change my lifestyle.

Things got from bad to worse, because I got "serious" about being a Christian, and some of my sinful life came back to haunt me over that time. When I first moved to PA, I thought that I would attend Charity Fellowship church, but my friends said it is better if I go to deaf church. Well, at that time, I didn't have much money and no job, so I just ride along with my roommate to deaf church. I figured that when I become serious about my Christian life, I will go to charity church. Looking back, I only did occasional visits.

On February 14, 2008, I prayed all night telling God that I loved Him and that I long to understand the true meaning of Christian life. In short, I did pray for a Holy Spirit. I told God that I want to be a real Christian. It was about 5 AM that I got discouraged that nothing happened, so I went to bed. I didn't obey "pray without ceasing". The other reason I hesitated was because I didn't want anyone to know that I was praying, because my roommate will be up soon to go to work. I knew that if I pray persistently, something will happened. Something.

Looking back, I realize that it was because I fear men's opinions rather than believe in God's promises.

Since nothing happened, I am not about to change my action.

However, shortly after that, I start reading stuff on Internet that has to do with self-improvement. I start noticing few advertising websites that gives me an idea that there are some non-Christians that are far more happier than Christians I knew. I even got into New Age ideas.

While I was still working at Christian Light Publication, I would occasionally go to my friend's house and he would loan me books. What impress my mind was The Secret of Their Strength. When I ask my friend if it is his uncle who wrote that book, he explained back and said no, and not only that, he also warned me about the false teaching of that book. One advice he gave stood out to me was always compare what I read against the Bible. That was my motto every time when I read any book. I treat and respect every book alike, and I use the Bible to expose truths in whatever I read. Thank God, I was pretty well versed with Scriptures from reading Bible stories during my growing years, attended Bible Schools, and enjoyed Bible classes in school. I have always had a fascination for the Bible as well as Church history. I even read the book The History of Washington County, Maryland and Franklin County, Pennsylvania Conference when I was 14 years old. I read much of that at James Eshleman where my family went for singing; my parents allow me to take along a book and read because I am deaf and don't enjoy singing that much. I also read Practical Pointers for Training Your Child when I was 14 years old too.

Anyway, with that motto of comparing everything I read against the Bible, I start seeing few interesting things. All that confirm my convictions that God would use anything to point us to Him. According to Isaiah 55:11, it sure does seem that way. I even watch TV and movies, observing that everything has some hidden truths that agrees with the Bible.

One thing about Eastern countries like China and Japan has the lowest divorce rate than other developed countries. They practice meditations, yoga, and martial arts. They have more respect for the elderly than do Americans. Yet, I was "taught" that they are not Christians. How come non-Christians have more Christian-like qualities than professing Christians?

One day I found a book on Internet and decided to order it. It is supposed to help me to live a really happy life. There are no inclination whatsoever if it is a Christian book. Upon receiving it, I start reading it almost immediately. I have always read the book from the beginning to end, even introductions, so that book is no different. In that introductions, that author mentions during the 1929 crash, she was jobless. One day, she met a man who told her about the job as a bartender. They were students at the same college, so she thanked him and went. She did get a job there and wanted to thank that man. She went back where she met that man and couldn't find him anywhere. No one at that college recognized that man or his name. Yet she knew what she saw, and she began to suspect he must be an angel.

Not long into the book, I was caught by the words that our feelings always go up and down, so we cannot depend on it. When I read that, I remembered what I read on the Internet once that we are nothing. That's how some Tibetans view themselves. Light bulb in my head went on, "Ah! So that is what the Bible teaches about self-denial! So that is what self-denial means all along!"

I was so excited that night that I couldn't sleep well. To think myself as nothing, and I remember Sunday School lesson at Pinesburg once when I was in Intermediate class that we are dead to sin. If we are dead, we won't have feelings, would we? I was always an emotional person, so knowing that fact and understand it so completely really helps me so much. Therefore, from that day forward, I became more definite about being a Christian.

Not only that, it happens right over the time when I start noticing that the Bible only talks about God and Satan. It only talks about heaven and hell. No more, no less. I also noticed that God is full of positives and Satan is full of negatives. When God condemns sin, being negative, He is condemning the works of the Satan. Upon seeing that, it makes my Christian life more easier.

When checking my emails, I saw the saying on the top. I always like quotes or other witty sayings, so I subscribe to it and allow it appear and change randomly at the top of my email inbox. That saying further help me so much, "Advice is something you already know and wish you didn't."

That was August 2008, and I just turned 31 that time. I shared my findings with few of my co-workers that time. One is from Charity fellowship group and he don't agreed to that thought about advice. However, I couldn't shake off that wisecrack.

Then came a test in my life. I forgot about the Bible School; I have been wanting to go there in the evenings at least. I forgot about it, when my roommate invited me to go to Las Vegas to watch bullriding sport. He want to know now, because he want to buy airplane tickets before it get too expensive. I decided to go with him. Then when the tickets is already bought, I remember it happens over the same time Bible school is!

Of course, I wasn't at peace and I want to go to Bible School more than I want to go to bull-riding. I only am going to bullriding to please my roommate as he don't like to go alone and he loves that sport. That day I brainstormed trying to figure a way to get out of that mess and go to Bible School. I thought of asking around for advice, and I suddenly remember, "Advice is something you know and wish you didn't." I was planning on asking for advice! It helps my decision to go with my roommate to bull-riding after all. That decision immediately put my emotions at peace. No more troubled feelings and worry. I instinctively knew I did the right thing. I did go to Bible School the first two evenings, and then went to Las Vegas.

I may not enjoy Las Vegas as much as I probably would enjoy Bible School, but I still enjoy it. When I walked on The Strip, I was awed by all those massive buildings created by man. My mind went to God and I felt only praise to God for creating the man. I only think of Psalms 8:4-6, "What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him? For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour. Thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands; thou hast put all things under his feet:"

Then the spirit of bull-riders! They dared to do very dangerous sport. If they succeed in 8 seconds, I saw how exhilarated they were, especially if the bull is very difficult. I thought about many different things; if we persist in doing what makes us feel alive, we would certainly feel more alive at the end when we succeed! I thought about boys in Belize practiced and practiced on the unicycle, and when they succeed, they loved riding it.

I thought about the Spirit as the quickening power. I thought about the Bible teaches us not to fear. We are not to fear man either. My mother taught me how dangerous the Satan is, and Richard Lehman mentions about the "holy fear of sin". Yet I saw Psalms 23:4, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." Fitting all those pictures together really help me realize what Christian life really means. Oh what a joy to live that kind of life! John 10:10b, my long-time favorite verse and goal, finally became my reality on continual basis! "A conscience at peace is a continual feast." (Proverbs 15:15 paraphrased)

So for that reason, I thought about how I resisted the pastor of deaf church about being baptized by immersion. I thought if my feelings are nothing and I want to make peace with those who I destroyed peace with. So I ask that pastor to baptized me. I still don't believe that it makes difference to God what mode of baptism we use, but I decided to be baptized to make peace and also to show that I KNOW I will stay Christian!

So I was re-baptized on October 31, 2008, 15 years anniversary of my first baptism.

While I was in Las Vegas, I wasn't keeping daily devotional. I was too busy running around, trying to take in the sights of the city, as well as enjoying the bull-riding events every evening, and eating at the fine restaurant at the hotel where we are staying. My joy was so full that when Sunday was the last day, I was looking forward to the next event, Penn Valley Deaf Seminar, the following weekend. Jay wasn't happy to see all that end, but it didn't bother me that the event is ending, because there are next event to look forward to.

Because of my enthusiasm of living, I became too bold and unintentionally or unthinkingly rebelled at Penn Valley and again at work. Looking back, I realized that I became proud of myself for discovering the secret of happy Christian life, that God allowed me to do things impulsively which lead me to downfall. The following day I repented of my sin of rebellion (I didn't think about pride at that time), and I believed in God's absolute forgiveness even if my feelings doubted. I realized the sin of unbelief, so I am determined to believe on the infallible Word of God and His promises regardless of my feelings.

The next party was my "farewell" party which is also a Christmas party for my deaf friends. I start feeling there is an aura around me that get me talking with people and I had an opportunity to point out their sin.

One woman complained that she want to be with her daughter for Christmas party, but her ex-husband ruled with the court that she cannot. I told her why not forgive him, and just go to Christmas party, then she can enjoy the Christmas party with her daughter, even if her ex is there. She thought I was crazy.

I got asked to invite more young deaf people into the church, and I got asked to conduct a Bible Study for the deaf. I decided to check around for background as I hear some stories. That lead me to one deaf man who didn't dwell peaceable with the deaf church, and I found out it was his fault as he keep blaming on the pastor and all that. I point out if he loved the pastor, would he welcome the pastor into his home? He thought I was crazy.

I found out one girl was complaining that I didn't invite her to my Christmas party. I email her directly and fussed at her for being so selfish and spread stories that I didn't like her. I told her that I will not invite her because of her conduct. She was being selfish, exactly the same way I was back in the day. She think I am talking baloney.

My friend invited a girl to Christmas party much to my displeasure. In course of game and conversation, she ask me would I accept a girl if she ask me for a date. I say no. That lead to a long debate, as I try to explain why man are to be initiative and woman are to be responser. She thinks I am wrong.

All this happened within less than 2 weeks, and I strongly felt God is blessing me richly. I decided to move back to my parents basically because of being jobless, and also I knew that I am grounded and settled on the Bible, and what it means to be a Christian, that I will not be swayed and fall back into my unhappy former Christian life, even if my family may fuss and say all negative things against me.

I saw that I was taught to do the works of the salvation which did not bring a deep-seated peace in my heart; I had to learn alone that I cannot trust in myself, but in trust in God alone. I make so many mistakes, and I am not going to be drag down because of my works is not according to the holiness. Rather, I will trust in Christ and that He dwells within me and I can trust in His divine nature which cannot sin. I will still call all of my family and their church as my brothers and sisters in Christ, because I knew they are as Christian as they know how, and God is so merciful that He would overlook their living in sin of unbelief and fear. After all, they still believe in Jesus as the Savior of the world and that they are sinners in need of the Savior, which will keep them on His safe side. It is just that I just don't want to be hypocritical, trying to be something that my feelings tell me otherwise. I don't like always defending my rights, and demand that everyone must bow down to me and my feelings. That is the biggest part of my unhappiness all those Christian years. I want to be living in happiness, confidence, boldness, and freedom! I want to practice Golden Rule in the truest sense. I found that gives me a deep-seated peace that even Mennonites cannot give. No, not even obeying church standards or doing what anyone tells me to do, because it is like Isaiah say, "Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?" Man don't understand your feelings, nor do they know what make you tick. Only God does because He created you exactly the way you are. They don't see the whole picture, neither do they know exactly what God's plan is for you. That is why I always read everything with the mind, "What did the Bible exactly say?" I watch movies and hear the preachers preach with that same mentality. I find all of them have some new truths that the Bible did agree with, which help me see things differently. It confirms my convictions that all men have inner sense of right and wrong, and we don't need to read the Bible to tell us, although that helps a lot. Even James talks about the engrafted word which is able to save your souls and Solomon wrote that God put world in our heart in Ecclesiastes. Besides, ever think about how Abraham became a friend of God and he don't have the Bible we have? Even David make so many mistakes in his life, and he is still after God's heart, and he only have Torah and then some.

There are few things that I learn from my family. My mother always taught me that it is truth that hurts. I didn't like feeling like a garbage just because I was wrong, and I didn't like feeling defensive when people try to help me or point out some errors in my life. I remember one day my sister Julia got some thing, I don't remember what it was, but what I remember was I asked her what she is going to do with it. I remembered asking that question rather innocently, and she say, "Oh you are jealous!" She ran upstairs without answering my question which left me standing at the foot of the stairs, wondering..."Am I really jealous? What if I am jealous and don't know it?" Yes, I was always introspective, even to the point that some of my friends think I am being hard on myself.

I saw a motto while at Messiah Bible School, "The world is like a mirror; it reflect you as you are." That got me thinking; how do I view others? When my mother thinks that I am all mixed up, I immediately remember that motto and concluded she is saying that she is—without admitting it or realizing it. So all you readers, what you think of me is what you are, so beware.

Therefore, let us "be still and know that [He is] God." Meditation is my key factor. Stop and think! Whatever trigger that negative response? How can I avoid that seemingly innocent "sad and down" feeling? Why do people seems to "hate" each other without trying? Like for example, when we hear about bad things someone did, how do we respond to it? If we get angry about it, why does it affect us that way? I am not satisfied with the reason that we hate sin. We are human, and we sin ourselves, so why can't we hate sin when we do it just as much as we hate sin when others do it? Even Revelation 21:8 listed fearful and unbelieving as those going to hell, so why can't we hate that sin of fear and unbelief? It didn't say what kind of fear, so it has a open end. It can apply to anything, except the Bible did mention fear of God as a good thing, and most Christians understood it to means a reverential fear, an feeling of awe.

Even if you disagree with any of my ideas, you cannot see my heart. You cannot see the relaxed feeling I am now experiencing. Even if you argue with any of my ideas, you cannot argue with my peaceful feeling. AND I INTEND TO STAY IN PEACE, NO MATTER WHAT!

And isn't that what Romans 14:19 meant?

Key Factors of Victorious Christian Living I Have Learned Since August....

• Pride and Unbelief are gross sins. I understand Jesus and the Bible that those two sins are the source of every sin imaginable. And they are almost synonymous, if you think about it. If you don't fully believe and trust in God, that means you still have pride in your own ability which includes in living by certain standards.

• Love is the source of all blessings. It is behind every fruit of the Spirit. If you don't feel loved, you won't feel perfectly at peace; if you don't feel permeated with peace, you are highly likely to be tempted and fall into sin. So, be alert when you don't feel extremely loved, then seek opportunities to give it. Only then you will truly feel loved.

• Treat everything and everybody alike. If God is impartial, shouldn't we be? If everything comes from Him, shouldn't we enjoy them as His gifts to us? That includes no favorite church group above any other group, and that also means any church standards are foolish.  That should help boys not to target only girls, nor girls target boys.

• God's ways are better than our ways, period. That can mean most foods He gave us are more health-beneficial than man-made foods, and that natural healing means are better than man's inventions. This thought also gives us a good reason why we should believe in the simplicity of the Gospel and that we must not add works to our salvation.

• Observe the universal law of polarity. There are only two driving forces of the world: God and Satan, positive and negative...well, you get the idea.