Burky's Blog

"Good morning."
"Do you feel better than you do yesterday?"

"Well, I felt pooped"

"Just drink coffee."

"I didn't drink any coffee yet."

"That's ok.  It's free country."

"Not exactly free."

"It is free, if you think positive."

"I have to do what my wife wants me to do, what Rick wants me to do, and what Vern wants me to do."

"Oh you letting people control you?"

"Absolutely."

"Well, that's your choice."

That was the "day-opening" conversation I had with my beloved supervisor.  We have had developed relationship back in November, and it gets better when Adam became my bona fide supervisor in April.  I was so glad to have him working with me.  We have been on common ground back in those days, but because of that newfound joy I am having, I am finding myself not really depending on his friendship.  In other words, he seems insistent to stay in the rut.

Last week, I forget what leads to this question I asked him, "Don't your parents teach you to be a man of action?"  He admitted that his dad always said in concept that why try to fix it if you could break it and have to get someone to fix what you make worse.  I forget the old saying that Adam mentioned, but I was puzzled.  Making mistake is part of learning process, that's what I tried to explain.

After I just send my last update, Jeff went to work and told Adam all about my email.  I didn't like it too well, and I hope Jeff didn't tell Adam about this one.  I don't want to make Adam feel worse than he already have.  In fact, he talks about he is a garbage.  Perhaps I should build on that the way I did on my sister.  The biggest issue I didn't like Jeff tell Adam about my baptism.  Adam is one of those people that I felt wouldn't understand.  What I am noticing is his "C" personality have to believe in what he sees rather than words of the mouth.

That's also true about my gang.  I haven't told them about my baptism, because I felt they wouldn't understand.  In fact, I did denounced Frank Thiessen and his wife's baptism awhile back.  Ricky Eberly talks about it recently because he met Frank at Walmart in Ephrata.  (I was rather miffed that Frank didn't come to visit me if he is so close as within 5 miles!)  He mentions that Frank don't talk much like he used to.  I said he has changed.  That lead us talking about his baptism.  Ricky mentions about one man who got baptized more than one time, but it didn't help.  Of course, baptism don't work.  It don't help.  Not even immersion.  It is only symbolic.  I didn't know how to say it simple enough for them to understand, so I left my thoughts unsaid.  Because of my past statements, I am kind of walking barefooted on broken glass.  It is not that I am afraid of them; it is just that reputation of Christianity is at stake.  I believe that it is high time for Christian to stop being legalistic; that's why so many people felt cold toward Christianity.  That's why there are so much moral decay those days.  So I never mentioned my baptism with my gang, because I rather show my fruits to them.  I suspect it would take a long time for them to catch on, so I will just let them find out eventually.  I don't want them to condemn Christianity simply because I changed.

On September 20, we had a birthday party for my 90-year-old grandmother.  That weekend my sister shared much with me.  It took me few days to analyze her persona.  What I was looking for is to find what was the real problem--and how to avoid it.  That is when I realize suddenly about what the Bible really means about self-denial.  I finally understood what it means to die to sin and be alive toward Jesus Christ.  Of course I did understand it before, but something about the glaring facts discovered right on Bible pages.  I have known about dying to self and flesh and all that the whole time--maybe since I was teenager.  It is just something about matching truths that make it more exciting and, at same time, releasing.

I got an email awhile back that mentions we are nothing.  That's an interesting twist to what all self-help psychology was trying to teach us.  Now I understand that if we are dead to self, that means we are immune to barbs that anyone may throw at our way.  Because of our selfless mentality, we don't take anyone personally.  We simply do what we believe is right.  We would do anything boldly, not fearing what others think.  After all, we know that what others do to us is their responsibility and what we do to others is our responsibility.  That includes what we think.  We don't care if anyone think disdainfully, because we are nothing, dead to sin, and garbage in ourselves.  That's why living in self-denial frees us and emboldens us to do whatever our God-given desires direct us.

At the same time, we must not forget that we are not puppets.  We have the right to tell someone if he did something we don't like, but then, at that point, our job is done.  If he choose to listen to us, show appreciation or affirmation.  If he doesn't, keep on forgiving and be yourself anyway.  If he get mad at you for saying something; well, that's his problem.  He would melt if we keep on loving him unconditionally.

So if I catch Adam saying that he is nothing, then maybe I should say that he is.  I am still walking baby steps in this mentality.  I am still learning how to think and respond appropriately and timely.  I would have to learn more about that kind of self-denial life.  After all, I haven't hit any hard knocks yet, like persecution.  

After I wrote above, Jay told me that his parents are again holding an annual mountain pie picnic.  I decided to go along, because I like mountain pie myself and I know that Dexter and Patty Answer would be there as Dexter is an employee at Ray's Plumbing.

I am glad that I went.

I ask Patty how can I tell people what they should do or be without them feeling like I am fussing at them.  I know two people like that, they took any slightest admonishment personally.  She helps me see the way.  I am very glad for that help, and here I forgot to tell her thank you!  :)

Now I don't feel like I have to walk on broken glass with barefoot anymore.

And I remember Clifford Martin preach at Clear Spring Mennonite Church once.  What stuck my mind was the story he used to illustrate his point.  I forget who he is talking about, as I slightly remember he was talking about some famous preacher or something like that, but anyway, he was saying that one Christian got on the same stagecoach with someone who use profanity a lot.  That Christian simply say "If you catch me swearing or cursing, please let me know because I want to stay Christian and be holy."  Of course, that person stopped cursing and swearing for the rest of that trip!  He didn't know he was talking to a strong Christian at the first place.

I remember that story very well, because it reminded me of what I just read in the book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.  That make me think...maybe I should read that book again.  I would have to dig through my library...

My sister is going to Farmington, NM.  I wish her the best.  She just became a member at Gray Prairie, and now she felt she is uprooted again.  I felt sorry for her, but she did admitted that going there does appeal to her.  I know Farmington is a famous place among Eastern and Fellowship, and my impression of that place is good.  I hope it goes well for her and I hope it would be a learning experience for her.

I am very excited to know that Joel and Emily is expecting an addition to their home.  That reminds me of Mylin Druist have a baby girl, and I keep wanting to visit him.  I never got around to it.  I told him that I would like to visit his baby when it was born, but that month of June finds me very busy and I hardly have time to visit him.

That leads me to other thoughts.

I was thinking last two or so days about moving to my parents' home on New Year Eve.  Because living at Jay's house finds me almost too busy to get focused on writing and my business.  Leon is the ringleader and he keeps us constantly on the go.  While the rent is cheap, but the lifestyle at Jay's house is rather expensive.  It got to the point that Jay is starting to depend on me to go bull-riding shows with him.  If I don't live with him, he won't depend on me as much.

But there are one problem.  I want high-speed internet and I don' t know how much my parents would be willing to let me have that in my room.  Then I want to have videophone.  I need high-speed internet, so I can use videophone.  Plus, I want to focus on internet businesses that I have already started.  Also, I have my old word processor in my bedroom at my parents' that have my old journal.

Since I finally found the life that I have been looking for since I was teenager, I felt like I want to tell my life story.  So writing and internet businesses would keep me busy much of the time.  Besides, I fix up my bedroom, and I haven't used it enough to enjoy it--and worth the money spend on that room.  Of course, that means I would be back to attending my parents' church, back to listening to good messages that I grew up into, and used to.

Another thing I did think about was if I move to my parents' home, it would get my mail and all other stuff back to my parents'.  I mean, getting my home established at my parents'.  My car still have Maryland tags, so that transition is taken care of.  What I am thinking is that if I move to Belize, I would have American home at my parents'.  That would be where I will get all my parcels, mails, and whatnot.  Living with my parents for one year would be long enough to get everything back to my parents' and make it my American home.

But of course, I would have to ask my parents' for permission and if they are willing to allow me have high-speed Internet in their home.  If they don't allow high-speed Internet, I would have to look into other options.  One thing about high-speed Internet is that they wouldn't get busy signal if they want to make phone calls while I am doing stuff on Internet.  They would still be able to send or get faxes.  I am sure there is a way that the only access to Internet would be in my bedroom.

I am sure my mom would be excited to the idea of me moving back to under her wings, but I don't know how she would react to high-speed internet as she would want to be a church-abiding member.  If she would overlook it as it is only me to have an access, as I won't be a member at her church, she may allow it.  But of course, I would have to talk with my parents first.  I did think of going home every 3rd weekend of the month, but I noticed that October 18 is 3rd weekend and that is when Rachel Raber would be coming to PA for wedding.  I am sure we would have some ado with her.

Why I thought of 3rd weekend?  Well, it is when Weaverland Church don't have church service...I think.  The people there would go to Martindale Church.  I have been attending First Deaf Mennonite Church last two Sundays simply because the last time I went to Weaverland Church is when they are having council meeting.  They say they would have communion in two weeks.  Because I am not a member there, I decided to go elsewhere until the communion is finished.  I don't know when Martindale would have their communion or their council meeting, so I am not attending there until I know for sure they are finish with communion.  Because Weaverland is where deaf people are members, I decided to attend there when they have church service.  When they don't have church service which is every alternating Sunday, I can go elsewhere.  Of course, I would go to Martindale; the point is, that's when I feel I can go my Maryland home for a weekend.  Actually, I am not sure if it would always be 3rd weekend.  After all, it is Martindale on between Sundays, so just follow every alternating Sunday, not like 1st and 3rd Sunday at Martindale.  In short, just said that whenever there is no church at Weaverland, I am free to go elsewhere, Martindale or go home for that weekend.

That reminds me.  Three Sundays ago, they told me that Weaverland would have their communion in two weeks.  That means this past Sunday they had their communion.  This coming Sunday, the deaf people (Irving Fox, Ricky Eberly, and others) would be at Martindale (or not).  This coming weekend, I might sleep overnight at Curtis and Paula's place.  I am not sure what church they would have.  My past experiences is that we always partied late at Curtis Horning's place, we often are too tired to go to church and simply skip church.  I don't know if I want to skip church, so maybe I would go where Joe Hilbish goes.  That means going in my car, because I want to be free to do whatever I want, knowing that others are more likely wouldn't feel like going to church.

This Saturday is deaf day at Renaissance Faire.  One thing about Renaissance Faire is they have a persecution museum or whatever you call it.  They shows what they use to punish the evildoers back in 16th century.  Much of it shows the same gadgets they used to persecute the Anabaptists.  I saw some of them at Ripley's Believe it or Not museum at Smoky Mountains.  It would be good for me to see them again to remind myself that there are Christians who practices extreme self-denial, simply because they love Christ too much to reject Him.

Yeah, to have a faith worth dying for.  I am still learning more and more about that faith.

Tell you the truth, I do understand in part.

I better get moving, because I am still undressed and I have devotional emails to read.  Then I will pack lunch and go to work...

It is an evening again, but I didn't feel like writing anything more.  Not at this point.  I tried calling Rachel Raber twice now, and no answer.

It is 9:30pm, Friday evening.  I still didn't get this done.  Or is it done?

Well, I mentions about going to Curtis and Paula's place for party.  It seems like it don't suit everyone very well, considering so many conflicts.  Renaissance Faire have their deaf day, and some of us want to go.  Moses Martin is coming to PA for a week.  

So by now, the plans are: we will be hosting the party Saturday night.  It would be most convenient to all of us.  I can easily stay at Renaissance Faire until they close, making use of my admission ticket and still come home to party.

I had a nice chat with Jeffery, and it is interesting how it went.

Oh how great God is!  Every time when I think about God's goodness, I cannot understand why I even dabble into low life in the past!  Ah, yes, out of my belly flows a living water!  I told my friend once that I wish everyone would be experiencing the same pleasure and joy that I am experiencing and she said that everyone have different joy.  I was like "What?!"  If everyone would be experiencing what I am experiencing, they wouldn't want to go back. 

In fact, I think I can prove that sign wrong.  Why would ANYONE put up the sign in Lutheran church yard saying, "Good people get tired of being good quicker than bad people get tired of being bad."?!  I understand that is same concept as one rotten apple can spoil the basket.  But if we focus on God and KEEP OUR MIND ON CHRIST, nothing will faze us!

Until next journal/letter, keep strong in Christ and enter thou into the joy of thy Lord!

--
Omar Burkholder